Lead by Example, Not by Lecturing

We all have that colleague who drives us crazy - but what if the real solution isn't trying to change them, but changing how we respond?

Do you have a colleague who continues making the same mistakes, or even worse: do you have a colleague who annoys you every time he or she speaks or is even present in the same room?

Have you ever asked yourself how you can deal with these kinds of situations?

I have, and here are my thoughts about it.

First of all, I think you should try to find something good in her or him, and focus on that.

You should also remember that he or she has to deal with your defects too.

More generally, I think you should stop blaming other people when something is not right for you or when “human interaction” is difficult.

Stop judging other people and judge yourself.

Stop talking to teach others how to live their life and start acting to live your life better.

At work, this looks simple but powerful.

If there’s no organization: start organizing yourself.

If the code sucks: start writing tests and refactor it.

The same principle applies everywhere else. If someone throws trash on the street, pick it up and put it in the bin and wash your hands (or use a napkin or something to pick it up). Don’t say anything, don’t blame anyone. Just act.

By honking at someone who cut you off, it won’t teach them anything. Instead, try to be respectful when you drive. Make sure to start early so you won’t be in a rush.

If you want to teach people something, you should do it by showing what you think is right, not by saying it.

Here’s why: First, you can’t always be sure that what you do is always good. By doing “the thing” yourself, maybe you’ll learn that you are wrong.

Second, other people are different from you. What is good for you is not good for them.

Lastly, you should focus on how you behave rather than judge other people.

In other words, you should focus on becoming a better citizen, becoming part of the change and trying to teach other people by doing it.

At this point you could say: «Wait a minute! This dude is teaching me by telling me how to behave!»

And you are right. Indeed, by reading this article it is not guaranteed that you’ll become a better person. Also because I could be wrong.

I don’t want you to feel wrong if you let out some anger or frustration with a colleague about the disorganization of your team. And I know what a relief it feels like to honk at someone when you are right (you are always right, aren’t you?).

But cultivating anger can drain your energy instead of using it in a more productive way.

Here’s what changed for me: In the last few years, when someone is tailgating me I stopped doing a “brake test.” Instead, I try to find a spot to park or do an extra spin in the next roundabout to let the person behind me pass. I also make sure to start early so I won’t be in a rush.

Results? I feel less stressed when I drive and my fuel consumption is lower.

I’ve tried to apply this principle to other aspects of my life, and even if my code doesn’t have the best test coverage or my organization is not perfect, I feel less stressed and I work better—and maybe my colleagues work better with me.

Who knows? Maybe I’m that annoying colleague for someone else. But at least I’m trying to focus on what I can control: my own behavior and reactions.

As always, these are my personal thoughts on this topic. I publish them because maybe they could be useful for someone else too. If they are not useful for you, I’m really sorry.